Don`t be ashamed, talk about it

Talk to people, let them know whats going on. You will be amazed at how many people have been through this. Whether or not you did anything wrong does not matter to your friends, they know you, love you and will help and support you through this.

They will know other people who may well come forward with advice and help or just with an offer to talk to you. These people are diamonds... someone who has been through the same thing? Oh my God... they can understand how i`m feeling.

I feel that I don`t want to bother people, and don`t want to spend that time boring them to death, and of course talking about it means thinking about it which leads to panicky feelings or doom and gloom, but last night I went out and talked to some people I didn`t know and didn`t mention it, I felt almost normal, like an ordinary member of society.

With the credit crunch there are lots of people losing their jobs suddenly, someone was talking about survivor guilt last night as his company had just made lots of people redundant.

IF you can`t talk about it, write it down, on paper, on a computer, just get it out of your head and on to the page. It helps and you can probably use it as part of your defence.

I feel great urges to hide away, I had to gird my loins to go out for a pint of milk and thats not like me, I am normally quite sociable. This situation has struck at the heart of my self image, so much of it is tied up with my job, who I am,what I do... but I know that I am much more too.



Be ready for the tears, my sister said that I should tell my Dad and I just collapsed, I feel that i have let him down and that he would be terribly ashamed of me. My sister disagrees as my Dad walked the same shitty racist streets as me 40 years ago before finally returning to Nigeria. She is probably right, and he will understand, and he will pray for me, but he`s an old man in poor health living far away and I am out of the habit of turning to him for help. I will probably tell him when I have some more positive news to go with it, chicken you see.



On a metaphysical note I am having a period the like of which I have not seen since before I had my fibroids removed. Is this a cleansing healing thing? my body sloughing off the crap of the last three months from the centre of my being?



I feel incredibly tired, this situation has been going on for 3 months so I suppose its not surprising, the immobilizer on the car won`t work because its been raining and the microwave has conked out. I had 2 beers last night and feel a bit depressed today, I`m finding alcohol makes me depressed. I want to feel good, but its an uphill struggle at the moment.

My friend who I talk to online has gone back to the states and has no access to a computer and I am missing his daily dose of moaning, silly stories and getting wound up about the state of the nation. Hope he is OK. I haven`t looked for a job for 1 day, felt I needed a break, and I have to do something about money. See what I mean, I can be going along fine and then it all goes chicken licken. That`s actually cheered me up because it was only an acorn wasn`t it.



Well on that note I will sign off for today. Sorry yesterdays post didn`t get finished due to technical problems ( I had about 50 windows open at the same time)

xxx